In a stunning bipartisan move that has political analysts reaching for their game theory textbooks, Congress has voted to abolish the Electoral College and replace it with a nationwide game of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to determine future presidential elections.

The bill, dubbed the "Rochambeau Democracy Act," passed with an overwhelming majority after a marathon session that included several impromptu tournaments among lawmakers to settle parliamentary disputes.

"Look, we've been playing 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to decide who gets the last slice of pizza since elementary school," said Rep. Johnny "The Hammer" Johnson (R-OH), the bill's primary sponsor. "It's time we apply this time-tested method to choosing the leader of the free world."

Under the new system, each state will hold a series of elimination rounds, with the winners advancing to a national tournament to be broadcast live on C-SPAN. Concerns about voter fraud will be addressed by requiring all participants to keep their hands visible at all times and to shout their choices with conviction.

Democratic leadership initially opposed the measure but changed their stance after realizing it might give them a fighting chance in traditionally red states. "Our focus groups show that liberals excel at 'Paper,' which wraps around conservative 'Rock,'" explained DNC Chair Jamie Harrison. "Though we're a bit worried about the Libertarian 'Scissors' wild card."

The White House has remained suspiciously quiet on the issue, though inside sources report that President Biden has been spotted practicing his technique in the Oval Office, occasionally confusing staffers by throwing "Biden" instead of "Rock."

Critics argue that the new system unfairly advantages candidates with quick reflexes and strong forearms. However, proponents counter that it's no less arbitrary than the current system and has the added benefit of being "way more fun to watch on election night."

Constitutional scholars are divided on the legality of the move, with some arguing that 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' is not explicitly mentioned in the Constitution, while others point out that neither was the Electoral College, so "why the hell not?"

As the 2024 election looms, campaign strategies are already shifting. Instead of traditional rallies, candidates are now holding "training camps" where supporters practice their throws and timing. Political action committees are pouring millions into developing unbeatable algorithms, prompting calls for a "No Spock, No Lizard" amendment to maintain the integrity of the classic three-choice format.

In a surprise twist, former presidential candidate Andrew Yang has thrown his hat back into the ring, claiming his background in competitive gaming gives him an edge. "I've been preparing for this my whole life," Yang tweeted, along with a video of him flawlessly executing the little-known 'Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock' variation.

As the nation grapples with this seismic shift in electoral policy, one thing is clear: the 2024 election is shaping up to be a real nail-biter—quite literally, as manicurists report a surge in bookings from aspiring political champions looking to optimize their hand aerodynamics.

In related news, sales of rock-crushing hammers, industrial-grade paper, and titanium scissors have skyrocketed, prompting the FBI to launch an investigation into potential election tampering via enhanced hand tools.