In a shocking move that has sent ripples through both political and culinary circles, Pakistan's Parliament has introduced a groundbreaking bill aimed at standardizing the preparation of the nation's beloved dish, biryani.

The "Biryani Standardization and Quality Control Act of 2023," proposed by the newly formed Culinary Matters Committee, seeks to establish strict guidelines for ingredients, spice ratios, and cooking methods for biryani across all provinces.

"We've been fighting over water resources and energy policies for years," said Asif Mahmood, the committee's chairman. "It's high time we addressed the real issue dividing our nation: the proper way to make biryani."

The bill, which runs a staggering 500 pages, covers everything from the acceptable grain length of basmati rice to the precise moment when one should add potatoes to the dish – a topic that has long been a source of heated debate in Pakistani households.

Critics argue that the bill infringes on regional culinary autonomy. Bushra Bibi, a housewife from Karachi, expressed her outrage: "First they want to control our votes, now they want to control our kitchens? This is tandoori tyranny!"

The opposition party has vowed to fight the bill, proposing instead a federal system of biryani governance that would allow for provincial variations. "Unity in diversity should apply to our national dish as well," declared opposition leader Maryam Nawaz, while dramatically brandishing a ladle at a press conference.

Meanwhile, the nation's spice merchants have seen their stocks soar amid speculation of a government-mandated biryani spice blend.

As debates rage on in Parliament, reports suggest that several MPs have been seen sneaking out for illicit plates of "non-standardized" biryani from local street vendors.

At press time, sources confirmed that a rival bill proposing the nationalization of chai preparation is already in the works, threatening to plunge the country into further culinary chaos.