In a stunning development that has rocked the family court system, the American Association of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) has issued a controversial new guideline requiring all fathers seeking joint custody to maintain a certified "dad bod."

The move, dubbed the "Father Figure Act," has sent shockwaves through divorce courts nationwide and sparked a run on beer and pizza delivery services in suburban areas.

"We've found that judges are 73% more likely to award joint custody to fathers who embody the classic dad bod aesthetic," explained AAML President Melissa Sugarman. "It's all about presenting an image of stability, comfort, and an intimate relationship with the couch."

The new guidelines define the ideal dad bod as featuring a BMI between 25 and 29.9, with bonus points awarded for a visible outline of a remote control in the back pocket and the ability to fall asleep within 30 seconds of sitting in a recliner.

Custody seekers nationwide are scrambling to adapt. Local father of three, Mike Thompson, was seen furiously doing reverse crunches at a McDonald's PlayPlace. "I've been too fit," Thompson lamented between bites of a Big Mac. "No wonder I only got every other weekend. Pass the fries, will you?"

Gym owners report a mass exodus of divorced fathers, while beer belly enhancement surgeries have seen a 500% increase. "We're booked solid through 2025," said Dr. Lawrence Gutman, a pioneering dad bod plastic surgeon. "Who knew love handles could be so lucrative?"

Critics argue the new standard unfairly discriminates against health-conscious fathers and CrossFit enthusiasts. "This is dadism, pure and simple," protested Brad Wheelwright, a divorced father and competitive triathlete, as he sipped a kale smoothie.

The White House has yet to comment on the controversy, although sources close to the President report he's considering an executive order to classify six-packs as a controlled substance for all divorced fathers.

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: in the high-stakes world of custody battles, it's no longer about who can bring home the bacon – it's about who looks like they've eaten it all.